BURNING MAN! Wow. What a transformative experience.
Not just what happens there, but the "downloads" that continue as time passes.
Burning Man is so many things: a playground, a social experiment for a new society (more on this in another blog soon), an instigator, an invitation to release - connect - heal, and a mirror.
As a "virgin burner", I had no clue what to expect. I heard Burning Man was 70,000 people deep at a week long, love-based, "oneness" festival, equipped with sex, drugs, meditation, yoga, cooperation, stressed out porta potties, love offerings, loud music and exotic art in the isolated and harsh desert conditions of Nevada. An inclusive community where you pick and choose what suits you as you go. Ultimate freedom!
Since I wasn't into "partying" any more, I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be. As this years festival rapidly approached, and I didn't have my ticket yet, I shrugged it off as another year unfulfilled. Two weeks before it was to begin, however, events lined up for me to go. Initially unsure if I still wanted to, I was reminded that the highest and best events for my souls fullest expression would align while I was there - partying or not - and I would have a transformative experience regardless. It's part of the design - no one's immune. I felt the truth of this, and my inner 8 year old got fired up!
It was meant to be.
In the days leading up to BM, my excitement and enthusiasm kept building. I hadn't formulated expectations, other than releasing my inner child, playing, exploring, seeing my bestie from Florida, and calibrating to the only thing that makes sense to me: community love and realized oneness. A HUGGERS HEAVEN!
We're continually creating our life experience based on our inner beliefs / conditions / suppressed issues and emotions - period. It's a misunderstanding to think we're at the mercy of others. I received a large and powerful dose of reality this passed week. The "downloads" of insights continue - talk about chemtrails of the empowered kind!
The night we arrived, I was zinging with excitement and warmly received with love by everyone! The rumors were true - love and inclusivity truly is the order of the day at this place.
My first 30ish hours there, I was in complete alignment, eager to explore. Even felt comfortable taking off by myself when I felt called to. As is Universal design, being in this alignment introduced the perfect people / scenarios / and experiences to enhance my excitement.
This feeling continued until the night of my second day. A few events lined up, and one of my "shadows" began to bubble to the surface. One of my biggest and most ignored shadows (which always plays a huge role in shaping our lives, completely off our radar but mucking things up along the way). My experience began to shift.
I witnessed the uncomfortable emotional neediness and insecurity someone else was experiencing, which triggered my own suppressed feelings of abandonment / unworthiness / unloveability - the foundations of my own emotional neediness. I've never liked these feelings, and have never accepted it in myself - I've resisted and suppressed them as best I could throughout my life. As is the rule, if you detest something within yourself, you will be easily set off when someone else acts it out. It's the law of the land - life is a mirror, none of us are exempt!
To clarify any confusion, if I had compassion for this part of myself, I likely wouldn't even notice someone else having this type of flareup. Either it wouldn't be on my radar, I wouldn't attract this person / event, or I'd feel nothing but compassion for it in others. In any case, there would be no raw nerve discomfort in its presence.
Now that this vibe was activated in me, I continued to attract (or distort my perception of) events that fed it. My feelings were raw and I was incredibly uncomfortable. I knew it would only get more intense if left unattended, so I unveiled my discomfort to my friends, then excused myself to meander on my own. Since everything is just energy (including emotions), I knew it would pass if I allowed it to move through me (versus obsess over thoughts about it, which only feeds and sustains it).
Allowing these feelings to arise and move is cru-cial! Seriously. It feels like they'll eat you alive, but they won't! Lovingly accept the darkness, honor yourself and feelings, and the heaviness will float through in their own time. Often quickly. I knew putting my attention on things that felt good to think about (like kittens and puppies =-)), and checking out the art installations, hearing meaningful conversations, and witnessing love based behaviors in others, would help shift me back into alignment.
It worked, and I resumed 90% of my alignment for the duration of the week.
Reflecting on the personalities I had the pleasure of interacting with throughout the week, I began noticing the theme of emotional neediness in others. It takes shape in different ways: codependency, insecurity, entitlement, self-boasting conversation dominance, passive aggressive jabs at others, easily hurt feelings, expecting others to fill your voids, and manipulative control - to name a few.
I now can openly and happily admit I have emotional neediness issues. Mine hasn't taken on the form of codependency for ages, rather I internalize my pain and - out of disgust about it - suppress and deny it. Therefore, it grosses me out to see it in others.
Though I know the principles and power of self love, and I talk about it often, it's escaped my attention to actually *do it* myself: love my wounds. Love my shadows. Radically accept all parts of myself!
**Important reminder: Because I hadn't accepted these parts of myself, I've attracted people / places and things to mirror and / or aggravate this part of myself, so I can see, reflect, accept, and release it fully.
(Good time to take inventory of where you're easily triggered and how it may be playing out in your own deal, huh? ;-))
Having compassion for ourselves is the key to all things. That's the birth place of compassion for others. ONLY from that place can we meander through life, offering support / love / guidance and solutions to others. If we're irritated by the behaviors of others, the energy of irritation / disgust will MAKE! THEM! WORSE! Seriously. We're pouring salt in their wounds unless we have compassion for them. Thoughts are energy and FAKING NICE DOESN'T WORK. We're all a bit psychic, and if you're turned off by someone, they'll sense it and feel / behave worse. It doesn't mean we feed their neediness or placate their wounds - magic happens when we hold a non-judgmental space of love and acceptance, envisioning them as their highest and best self.
I wasn't able to do this because I wasn't able to have love and compassion for my *own* emotional neediness. Which is why I kept attracting that behavior in others. Which helped trigger mine. Life is cooperative and will always guide us toward awareness.
In the 24 hours since having this revelation, I've noticed my reactions to others is softer and less volatile where I would before be triggered and irked.
On the second to last night of the festival, they ignite the large wooden statue of "The Man". Ceremonially, you can include written affirmations and blessings to go up with him. I did just that, as well as 3 years worth of journals. I had written out "my story", pain, fears, blocks, and was ready to release that energy for good. An indescribable feeling of lightness <3
Burning Man's 10 primary principles are: "radical" inclusion, self-reliance and self-expression, community cooperation, civic responsibility, gifting, decommodification, participation, immediacy and leaving no trace. My heart and soul lives by this model for the most part, and I feel it will continue to shape our new society in the years to come.
Mid-week, I doubted I'd ever attend another Burning Man festival (mostly because the harsh desert conditions were undesirable). Now, feeling the magic of all that environment includes and supports, there's no way I couldn't. I see now that the harsh desert conditions play a valuable role in helping us radically accept the seemingly unacceptable. I heard there's other Burning Man events across the globe (Israel is one). My passport is ready!
Burns for the win!
With radical love and acceptance,
My last entry was a summary of 2014. My inactivity here is fitting for how non-conventional and unscripted 2015 was. I left 2014 with no clue where the new year would take me. My fear and doubt was weakening, so that was cool. But clarity? None of that.
In January 2015, not only was I still "crowd surfing" (over a year of being home free, crashing with friends or family, all my belongings in my car, and 2 cats being cared for by a friend), but it felt like every step forward dished out two steps back. I was having a hard time getting along with co-workers at my restaurant job, the money wasn't survival worthy, and - worst of all - it just didn't FEEL right.
My journey over the last three years was heavily focused on navigating life through my instincts, which usually paid off in greater dividends then I could manipulate through force (Exhibit A that the gut and heart trump the brain in the smarts department). It was helpful that the "logical" choices I made either fell through or didn't bear fruit (like not getting jobs I knew I was qualified for). I was being forced to just start listening to my instincts, even if they didn't make sense. So doing ANYTHING that didn't FEEL right dishonored the great lengths I had gone through to this point, and was increasingly unbearable to try.
Feeling determined to lunge toward progress for myself, it felt like the time to explore new home base ideas. I heard Marin County, California was a "high vibrating", beautiful and progressive part of the country, so I decided to check it out (six hours north of LA, just over the Golden Gate Bridge). I knew it was north of San Francisco, so the potential for colder weather turned me off, but not as much as the quick sands of LA were turning me off!
One week into the new year, I carved out 48 hours to investigate this new potential. My car wasn't in the best shape, so the Universe lined up the necessary resources for me to safely drive the 12 hour round trip. Again, all I had to do was put things in motion and the pieces fell where they needed to fall.
Arriving in the north Bay, so many unmistakable clues appeared, suggesting this was a good idea. Like the car in front of me paying my toll as I entered Marin from Berkeley. Being hired at a restaurant - on the spot. Being noticed, and HIT ON, by men (I had basically been invisible in LA for 5 years)! All signs pointed towards YES...MOVE YOUR ASS UP HERE. Including the incredibly generous housing offer from a friend in San Francisco. She opened her home to my cats and I while I got on my feet.
Being reunited with my cats was huge beyond measure. I cried happy and relieved tears for the first hour of our drive out of LA. I MADE IT! I WAS ON THE UPSWING! THINGS WERE FALLING INTO PLACE! It felt like I had been holding my breath while they were away. I knew they were being loved and cared for, but my "life" felt incomplete while we were apart.
The speed with which things began to clean up was just magical. Even sitcom-worthy! Within 5 months my car and license were legal again, I had health care, and I could feel stability approaching.
The next issue was affordable housing on my low-income restaurant job. Even with my new part time job, finding a home for my 2 cats and I that I could afford was impossible. Marin rental spaces did not favor having pets. Especially when one pee's around the house out of territory and emotional frustration (the "one" not being me, obvs). We couldn't live with other animals or children lest we wreck the joint. I was desperate, not in a good living situation, and needed to be in a stable home - stat. I was on the brink of rehousing my beloved fur babies, which pained me to the core to consider. I couldn't understand how it got to this point - but having them kept everyone stuck in an unhealthy situation. My attempts to rehouse them kept failing! Again, I believe whole-heartedly that our life experience is communicating to us. If my cats were meant to move on, it wouldn't be a struggle to send them on their way. Though it was excruciating to fathom parting with them, I'm glad our relationship came to that place. I was forced to take a good hard look at what our little family meant to me, what they meant to me, and what was in everyone's best interest - not just my selfish interests. Despite my intentions and progress, my life didn't feel suitable for giving them what they needed, and I wasn't able to do anything about it - which made me frustrated with them! I got to experience a wide spectrum of relationship challenges in such a short period of time.
Just when our domestic challenges reached a boiling point, a solution arose bigger and better than I could've dreamed up! We were able to flee and land safely in a new temporary home.
In the midst of said housing crises, I recalled the advise one of my customers at the restaurant gave me. She was my age and RETIRING from her job as a life insurance agent. She helped me realize my potential, the gifts I have naturally, and that they need to be unleashed in a bigger way. Feeling the truth of this, I began pondering what I could do that would feed my souls love for revolutionary changes, and my natural ability to inspire and empower others - while making fat cash and living BIGGER. Brainstorming with a friend we noodled our way to the solar industry. Revolutionary AND lucrative. And a natural step since I'd been working in Reiki energy healing already, only the heat from this industry was a smidge hotter :)
I was hired quickly by SolarCity - a revolution-minded company rated highest in quality and technology - and have been thriving since. This job gives me the tools necessary for addressing any perceived dysfunctional beliefs of smallness, inadequacies, personal doubts or apprehensions. It's been the time for putting on my big girl panties :)
Since late September, my cats and I have been living in the most expensive, tiniest but cutest, most perfect little home - WITH NO ROOMMATES OR WALL-ATTACHED-NEIGHBORS - and it's wonderful. Magically the rent and other living costs are being paid, even when logic would suggest otherwise. We're sliding into the new year and logic STILL doesn't have the mic. #winning
I've been so blessed [!!!!!!!!!] with continued support (throughout life, really, but specifically) during this chapter. Friends and family extended a hand, money, a home!, cat care, an ear, their heart - whatever I needed - to help me navigate my transition out of logic and into inner wisdom. It has been the toughest but most rewarding chapter of my life. I wouldn't change a thing! Every gnarly encounter, defunct attempt, toxic relationship - all of it - taught me more about myself and what old programs I have running below the surface than any other time period.
We're all creating our life experience, like it or not, and these last few years have taught me to decode what's going down before (and within) me. I'm learning myself and falling in love with what I'm learning. This is truly the ticket to personal growth - the ONLY on-ramp essentially - loving ourselves. Only from that place are we even interpreting reality in the clearest way, and able to offer our gifts and positive influences in the world.
Why all the fuss about "following our intuition"? Cuz that's the only GPS that'll work in this new world! We're rewriting our story every day from a clean slate - all the old programs of fear-based scarcity and separation won't work, and we need to build anew. We have no blueprints except for what FEELS right.
This coming year is time to play. Time to create! Consciously and intentionally creating what we know will work. Not being mired down with heavy issues, but solutions! Inclusive ideas! Growth potential! Fun! Beauty! Laughter! Playfulness!
This is the year we see the fruits of our labor. We see what we're capable of. Our personal mastery and potential spewing forth, blazing new trails and unleashing never-before conceived of ideas. I'm so excited to be in the unfolding of what 2016 will bring! I'm so excited to contribute! I'M SO EXCITED TO DO THIS!
THANK YOU FOR THE LIGHT 2015!
LET'S GO 2016!
2014 started out rough (the first 24 hours, anyway). Not with a hangover like most New Years Days in my adult life, but from what was clearly a negative energy purge.
Most of 2013 was intense (emotionally.... physically.... mentally... energetically.... fiscally... literally....). Just icky. So by New Years Day of this year, a dark emotional heaviness that had been building had reached a climax. I took a hike up a mountain in Glendale, feeling the heaviness intensify as I ascended. From the summit I did a cleansing and connecting meditation for what felt like an eternity. As my meditation commenced, I felt the accumulation of layers...upon layers...upon layers...of super heavy and dark energy evaporate out of me and into thin air. Ironically, for the first 10 days into 2014, Los Angeles's air quality was the most polluted and haziest I had seen it consecutively since I moved here 4 years ago. It was like many of us went through a purge and it hoovered before we were completely cleared of it!
What this cleansing allowed for was upliftment, wholeness and clarity to a new fabulous (and previously unattainable) degree. I even actualized most of my vision board within the first 3 months of the year (thanks to so many of you loving and supportive souls!) - becoming a yoga teacher and Reiki Master Teacher by March!
In my souls interests of uplifting others toward self love and empowerment, I've been able to teach dozens of yoga classes and channel countless energy healing sessions throughout the year. Numerous Reiki clients and yoga students have reached out in gratitude and exclaiming how these services have benefited their lives and health. I'm so grateful for being able to help :)
Thanks to my dedication and tenacity for healing my own inner space, my capacity for joy and magic is exponentially greater than ever. And as such - in this land of polarity - the dark times now pack a snarky punch, too. But they're few, far between, short lived, and I have numerous tools for navigating them with more grace and ease. Peeling away old layers of conditioning has taken some time, but I never could've imagined the payoffs being as magical as they are. The feelings of peace, wholeness, joy and clarity that I experience now are the greatest gifts. And it gets better every day! I feel more in the flow and resilient to twists and turns than every before. Being detached from outcomes, ideas of how things should go, beliefs about myself and others - anything limiting - has granted me a freedom and space for more joy and liberation than ever imagined.
As we close out 2014, I am steadily getting back on my feet. Earning a solid income (and from multiple means that I enjoy!) is a delicious way to slide into the new year :D
I'm eternally [**ETERNALLY**] grateful for the Universe, myself and the LONG list of beautiful souls (ie trail angels) who have supported me either financially, energetically, emotionally - in every way - during this meltdown-for-transformation time in my life. It's been one of the most powerful experiences I've had in my short 39 years. I wouldn't change a thing. I love it all.
2015 will be pay dirt! I feel it (in my finga's....). And i'll be ready. More receptive and ready than ever capable of before. The best part is my detachment from this, too! My inner peace and joy isn't dependent on external circumstances like it was in times past. I feel the joy of life more in the present moment. Smelling roses more and steering my life towards that which lifts me up - unapologetically. No greater gift.
Wishing you all a MaGiCaL, whole, prosperous 2015 filled with love, dancing and gut wrenching laughter!
LET'ER RIP BABY!
**Written in December 2013 and abandoned in the archives!**
This spiritual journey I'm on - largely inspired by interests in helping the world be more compassionate - has been quite the ride.
Information I've been exposed to about the human ego / pain-body / collective consciousness has resonated with me deeply. Identifying the egoic shenanigans within myself, it felt necessary to subdue these reactions and thoughts immediately! Contributing to the insanity just hasn't been an option. I know better! Must....deny....the ego. Can't let it play out! Must send only love to everyone, rapid-fire-like, and get crackin' on this heal-the-global-suffering thing!!
I would try to look beyond other peoples egos, knowing that any undesirable behavior of theirs was just part of the human condition, that they're all beautiful amazing souls like everyone else. Mostly I would feel wicked uncomfortable around their egoic shenanigans, not know what to say, often staring like Rain Man - speechless - and try to only feel compassion for them.
Who the hell signed me up for this??? Tough stuff. And impossible.
So tough that, among many other factors, depression and frustration had been building like a volcano. This spiritual journey deal became more trouble then it was worth. I could clearly see - and explain to others - what was going on with the human condition (in myself and others), yet I was powerless to stop it from happening. No amount of meditation, energy healing and breath work could put me in the "flow of unconditional love" that I know is "truth". WTH?
Le sigh. Le suck.
You know how sometimes it takes 2, 3, 4...or 57 times to hear something before it "clicks"? Well, I lost count of how many times the following minor detail had been mentioned: EMBRACE THE FLIPPIN' MOMENT FOR WHATEVER IT IS - PERIOD. This includes whatever I'm feeling....cuz it's real...and happening! Denying what I was feeling was attempting to create a false world. Wanting to be ego-free when I wasn't. I was resisting what is! So it persists. Oldest ego trick in the book...and I bought it. Lots of it. Higher consciousness 101 hello! Rookie mistake.
Old egoic patterns and symptoms of being disconnected from my true self and others evaporate with embracing what is, loving myself and the present moment. Not from subduing, resisting and fighting! Wild how I've said these words numerous times yet never applied it to my real-time ego stuff.
Trying to stop our emotions is disastrous. And just as insane as trying to stop the rain from falling. Always behaving in ways that are loving and compassionate - when that's not what we're really feeling inside - is a lie. Living a lie creates conflicts and challenges. Can you imagine what my life's been lookin' like as I tried living this way? BAHAHAHHA. Yeah....a hot mess.
This has lifted IMMEASURABLE POUNDS OF DENSE ENERGY off my shoulders and heart. Owning what I'm feeling is part of honoring me as I am, this whole self-love thing. No, this doesn't mean we should be volatile or disrespectful or botardish or apathetic - I doubt I'd respond in any of those ways. Rather, speaking my truth, honoring my feelings, interests, time and energy as top priority. Anything less than this is a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. If we're dishonoring ourselves, we won't be honored by life, and are undoubtedly creating chaos in our wake. I had spent most of my adult life putting my own interests last, keeping quiet just to maintain peace and order, over extending my time and energy to help others, and maintain jobs and relationships that aren't honoring or respecting me.
My greatest contribution to this heal-the-global-suffering thing (like everyone else's) is to honor and love myself first. All efforts after that are real and uplifting for others. I'll have real love to give cuz my cup will overfloweth! We'll automatically feel love and compassion for others when we feel this for ourselves first.
I can't tell you how excited I am that I don't need to put myself in challenging situations until I "feel love / compassion" for everyone. I CAN BOUNCE! OMG!
That's so hot.
There's an abundance of amazing opportunities out there available if I allow them into my life. When we're doing one thing, we're not doing another. If we give our time and attention to a job / friend / event that ISN'T fabulous and uplifting and loving, then we're blocking those that WILL be fabulous and uplifting and loving! So relieved to finally get this. It's felt amazing to speak and act on my own behalf, despite what others might think, say or do. That's their business not mine! I AM MY BUSINESS. My self love is growing beyond any level I've ever felt <3
Ok, so thanks for reading my latest outburst. WEEEEEEEEEE LIFE ADVENTURES YAY!
This weekend was the 2014 National Animal Rights Conference in Los Angeles. I popped in on the last day to hear a talk and to reconnect with some friends. Once again, while stepping back from the buzz and excitement of the event, I was reminded of how transformative the vegan (r-)evolution is at shaping our civilization. Not so much because of the words and actions that come from it, but because of the REASONS for it: love.
The more I travel this spiritual path, the clearer it becomes that our intentions determine the outcome of what we're doing (or participating in) - not our actions. If our intentions are just for revenge or domination, the outcome is tethered by this and doesn't yield qualitative and expansive shifts. The MAGIC happens when our intentions are love based, so our actions are fueled with it. Talk about chem trails! This often can't be measured in the moment, so from the outside it doesn't seem to have an impact.
Pure love diffuses drama, uplifts and inspires others, lowers defenses and dissolves fear. Love doesn't need anything - it just knows and it just is. No force is greater, and it can't be stopped.
Being surrounded by hundreds/thousands of animal lovers who FEEL - at their core - how incredibly precious animals are, and are therefore pulling their focus out of mainstream behavior, taking steps to act with love and compassion....THAT is where our world is being recreated. THAT vibration being infused in all the minutia of our day (purchases at the store, food / drinks we consume, activities we engage in) and carrying this message of love to the streets. THAT is what's being transmitted and rippling across the globe. The readiness is here, and the modality to deliver this truth is gaining strength and momentum.
When we're tapped into love and compassionate choices that often, and in so many areas of our day, we're allowing love to paint our surroundings - around the clock. The more of us doing this, the quicker we seal humanities fate as being anchored in unity. Our trajectory, by design.
It's so beautiful to watch this grow. Nothing has ever. felt. more. right.
"I believe that love is the answer. I believe love will find a way."
And so it is,
(**Note: you don't need to live in California to help!)
I had given up on politics.
Since waking up to animal oppression issues in 2000, my interests in helping the world be sane have grown exponentially. As I've traveled this path, going vegan, reducing/reusing/recycling, advocating for changes I believe in (while being those changes), politics kept rearing it's ugly little head as a necessary endeavor.
My attempts to partake (like rallying/campaigning here, and lobbying here) were always short lived (mostly because I hated it) but I never fully gave up.
In these last few years, my interests in playing the political game plummeted. Justice being trumped by corporate interests, a run-away climate crises bound up in bureaucratic red tape, starving and suffering humans and non-humans with solutions yet to be realized (let alone invested in) --- "bat-shit-crazy conditions" has been an understatement. My swan song was a few long drawn out legal battles over free speech rights in public spaces (and being arrested for my attempts....4 times). I decided that what made sense to me now is partaking in ways to create a-new. To channel my energy towards making a new model of living in our society such that the old model becomes obsolete. And only putting my attention on what I WANT to see versus energetically charging up what I DON'T want to see. How to parlay this into an action plan hasn't been clear, but it's felt like the right direction none the less.
And then BOOM. Marianne Williamson - author, visionary, healer, social justice advocate - announces she's running as an Independent candidate for the US House of Representatives seat in the 33rd district of California. Her primary platform is to get the corporate money out of politics (which is at the core of all political challenges).
How is this a game changer? Many reasons, here's a few:
As a highly successful visionary and life coach for nearly 3 decades, she's devoted her energy to helping people identify the underlying issues giving rise to their life challenges. Addressing challenges at this level of focus is the only thing that gives rise to real healing and growth. This is the only level of focus that will fundamentally shift our system. Our dysfunctional governance is a symptom of an underlying dysfunctional control of a power hungry minority gone too long without attention. This imbalance has grown unchecked, triggering a collective immobilization of the masses who feel dis-empowered, overwhelmed and generally helpless. We need this level of detox, and now. Marianne's expertise and natural ability to inspire and energize others is the tonic for our collective soul.
She's changing the conversation just by participating. "Her level of influence doesn't have a long list of political experience" - they say this like it's a bad thing! Look at the long list of experience other political figures within our system have...where has that gotten us? More of the same. Diluted efficacy at it's best, incompetent at it's worst. Putting Band-aids on bullet wounds won't work. Pulling the money out of political power (with a constitutional amendment), and creating a foundation of equality and transparency, is the only place to start rebuilding a system that will work - as intended - of the people, by the people, and for the people. Numerous visionaries and power players are backing her efforts: Governor Jennifer Granholm, Congressmen Alan Greyson and Keith Ellison, former Congressman Dennis Kucinich, climate activist Van Jones, Former Governor Jesse Ventura (long and growing list here). In the short time I've been working for her campaign, yard signs and supporters are popping up everywhere! Just her running for office with this groundswell of support is revolutionary!
Marianne's views of inclusion and love being the bottom line are unapologetic - having her in the room with other elected officials will be that "elephant in the room". Coupled with her fearlessness to speak, tenacity and intestinal fortitude for love based change, there's no where to hide from the impending sanity. California's long been a trail blazer for other states. We're ready to dismantle the status quo and give rise to a NEW system of inclusion and sanity. Bucking this 2 party system - the way our founding fathers had designed it - seems insurmountable from the sidelines. DOING IT, by electing this power house into office IS WHERE IT STARTS. I'm beyond inspired with her candidacy. GAME ON.
This interview she did Sunday on MSNBC gives great insights to her vision. Members of a sane society naturally agree with her message. Where the rubber hits the road is where WE channel our energy to uplift her into office. As an Independent she's free from party ties and corporate persuasions. Whether you live in her district and can vote for her, or - like me - you pound the pavement/make phone calls to her constituents, OR you can just throw monetary support at her people-funded campaign, THAT is where our evolutionary success lies. Our cultures revolution of power to the people is LONG overdue. This is the cleanest inroad we have for shifting the system from within - LET'S DO THIS!
Learn more about how to support her and get involved here.
Magic. The only way to verbally capture the essence of life these days, it's just pure magic. Things are becoming so clear.
My most recent shift is realizing a deeply rooted life-long emotional misalignment: that i'm not loveable or valuable.
This is fundamentally untrue for all of us, but - somehow - it's imbedded in a lot of us from day one. Some might feel the world is untrustworthy and hostile, or that they have to scream and fight to get their way. It's just more ego stories - which are NEVER logical - and ultimately doesn't matter what it says. It just wants to be seen.
Now that I recognize this has been a predominant force shaping my life experience, I can begin the healing (acknowledgment) and release (feeling) of it.
This core belief within me has determined how I interpret things people say/do (or don't say/do) . For instance, since I was little, my feelings would get hurt easily. I would usually take things personally. I would feel devalued, because I would view peoples behavior as confirming my deeply held beliefs that I'm not loveable or valuable.
But that's just been my ego's interpretation of reality. It's not true, and has not been why they acted the way they acted. They had their own reasons based on their own ego stories.
I finally get it.
One of my most amazing relationships that has been teaching me this is with my girl cat Sunshine (her majestic self pictured above).
She's taught me about love in the most profound ways. We've been together for almost 10 years - by far the longest committed relationship I've ever had! Over the last few years she's become increasingly needy - to the point where I was feeling frustrated that I couldn't please her emotional needs despite my best efforts. One behavior is her incessant need to get behind me while I'm sitting down and meow like crazy. She'd claw up my back yelling at me. I'd try to pet her but, from behind me, she was tough to reach! And don't even think of picking her up. If I turned around to pet her, she'd go behind me again.
This has been her way of showing me that what's behind me needs to be realized, and my reaching back for superficial "pets" wouldn't cut it. What's behind us - metaphysically speaking - is our shadow side. Our "dark" heavy emotional areas that we try to shove down / ignore / gloss over. She's been trying to get me to REALLY look at what's back there. Acknowledge it. Not appease it with feel good, superficial "pet's". (Pictured above - while laying on my stomach reading, she actually sat on my back to school me lol.)
Additionally, her willingness to receive affection from others is VERY limited - whether you're feline or human. Our boy cat - Rufus - can groom her but only for a few seconds, then bam - he's whacked on the head. She's had a rigid list of criteria for affection:
Related to the not feeling loveable and valuable thing, this effects my being receptive (as Sunshine has so eloquently been demonstrating). Culturally we're conditioned to DO and GIVE constantly. But being still and receiving is a crucial part of being in balance. This is part of our feminine nature which - as we've seen - has been suppressed on a mostly-global scale (men and women need to embody both feminine and masculine energy to be whole). We're learning though - and no doubt the Sunshine's of the world are helping guide the way...head bops and screams along the way :)
We're constantly searching and doing and covering-up and escaping. That background buzz of discomfort is where the magic lies though! We're afraid of facing the pain. We think things keep "happening to us", when really they're happening FOR us. And that discomfort has gems to deliver - on the other side is the bliss that's our birthright! And is subsequently the only way to be free from the discomfort...we gotta go through it. Only when we're still and observing what's going on around us can we see where we have harshness in our mellow :)
Starting to slow down and observe our lives is priceless. Especially our relationships (whether they're covered in fur or not doesn't matter - they're the best mirrors actually!)
So observing these feelings as they come and observing the stories that accompany them is where the change happens. Feeling it - in the raw - will allow it to dissolve. Magic! That's all we gotta do. Depending on how deeply embedded it is in our psyche, it may take a few sessions of observing / releasing. I've done a few already and can't begin to describe the lightness I feel.
Living life free from baggage and burdens and defenses is where the juice is baby!
What's been screaming / meowing / barking at you?!?!?!
And the alchemy continues!
For over a year, my intuition has repeated "You won't need your resume" when I asked how I will support myself. How's that for vague?
How do you do this? Since I couldn't "see" how that would play out, I did what I knew to do: pump out resumes for jobs that at least "felt" right. And by "right" I focused on jobs where I could provide a service NOT for the paycheck, but actually from my heart. Yes, I could work at Veggie Grill and serve from my heart at that place. Have you eaten their food? It's MAGIC!
Alas, no bites (job wise that is, there were some Veggie Grill bites :)).
It's been gettin' down to the wire lately. Leading with my heart has been challenging but strengthening. It's rare to clearly "know" something (like I "know" animals are worthy of individual consideration and compassion, like I "know" being a Reiki Master Teacher and Yoga Teacher are in my path, etc.). I KNOW that our world's morphing toward sanity will include ALL OF US only living from our hearts, and that the Universe will support whatever that is. I KNOW IT.
However, Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard is gettin' bear....gulp.
Long story short, in the last 3 days, I've firmed up TWO separate opportunities to provide a service from the ol' ticker! One is helping my friends - whom I completely adore from the depths of my soul - with their new baby (whom I'm in love with) while Dad goes back to work and Mom writes for work at home. The other is providing assistance for an amazing soul as he shifts to a whole raw plant diet - I'll do the shopping and prep for him.
Both of these tasks are lead with my heart at the helm, and these beautiful humans are supporting my efforts as I support theirs.
I let love be my reasons and BOOM. The support is following. IN REAL TIME.
I DIDN'T NEED MY RESUME!
Take-aways from this:
My intuition's smarter than my brain:
In my efforts to strengthen the connection to my inner wisdom, I've needed to actually LISTEN to it's guidance. So often we negate or mute our inner wisdom in the face of fear, desperation and doubt. I've known in my heart that we as a collective are shifting to this type of "being" - not chasing the paycheck - providing a service with our heart, and the Universe will conspire to support whatever that is. This confirmed it for me.
I've taken away Fears drivers license:
Fear never disappeared during this process. Don't get me wrong, it's an important part of the human experience - I'm not knockin' it. I just didn't let fear dictate my choices. Despite a bumpin fresh resume with everything from leadership to support staff experience, i've not even been contacted for follow up with ANY jobs I've applied for - even ones I KNOW i'm qualified for (See how the Universe delivers its message to you even when you don't listen?). I faced the fear but never cowered or ran screaming in desperation to the lowest, possibly toxic, hanging fruit (assuming even they would hire me.). I rested in the "knowing" that a) i'd act as needed in the face of something "right" when it came along; b) that something "right" would ever even show up; and c) if i missed something "right" the first (or second or third) time, some other "right" opportunity would show up. I've strengthened my self love in this process. Bam.
Providing a service from my heart IS the journey AND the destination:
I believe the days of grinding the pavement, burning the candle at both ends, grumbling miserably through the 40 hour work week at a job that dulls your shine are O!V!E!R! Yes, it got scary for me at times (have I mentioned how FLIPPING AMAZING my support system is though??? You know who you are .....THANK YOU for believing in me and cheering me on while I integrate my "knowing". YOU HELPED THIS HAPPEN!!). Growing pains are called pains for a reason :P
In the last 3 months, I pursued the first steps of trusting the Universe in the face of uncertainty a) as I walked away from my living situation that wasn't right, only to be immediately met with the worlds most perfect security net; b) then leapt forward when my heart yelled "DO YOGA TEACHER TRAINING AND BECOME A REIKI MASTER TEACHER IN 2014" even though I had no way of paying for it, and now it's happening!; and c) yet again....when I held firm in the "knowing" that I could provide a service with my heart and be supported doing it.
I'm being taught how powerful living in love is (versus fear, desperation or guilt), how clear our true intentions manifest (yet in their own way, not the logical brains limited way), and how much support we really have when we act with our hearts. The greatest confirmations I could ask for!
Again, I'm eternally grateful for all of you came to my aid when I got the inner jolt for this most excellent journey of mine. I COULDN'T HAVE EXPERIENCED ALL THIS AWESOMENESS WITHOUT YOU!
Trust you inner wisdom.
Trust the Universe.
Trust Love as your reasons.
With love and gratitude,
Reiki Master Teacher
Yoga Teacher in Training
I finally did it. I've been sitting on this issue for a while, (seemingly) locked in the land of no way out. But I did it...I let go of needing to see a clear plan (or even a foggy plan). I just made a move forward, for my own good....totally blind.
And it worked. Holy socks did it work.
I've needed to move from where I'm living for a while now, but have had an impressive list of "Yeah, but.." 's holding me back.
And by "list" I mean "story". Anything but impressive.
The last couple of years of my life's journey has been a fascinating melt down of sorts. Slowly but surely the infrastructure of my reality is crumbling. Part of this new paradigm deal. Something we're all feeling in one way or another, just may not identify it as a "paradigm shift". But I do. Cuz it is. And the shift has definitely hit the fan.
And fear has no place in it. If it's guiding our behavior, it'll be challenged.
Fear is a HUGE sculptor in our lives. Not fear of being hit by cars when running through traffic (a healthy fear....just don't run through traffic), but imagined fear of "What if...?" These are endless yet meaningless, and are great for manifesting the destiny we don't want.
Fear based choices will undoubtedly create suffering in one form or another. Which includes preventing us from living truly meaningful lives, to our highest potential, with our most liberated and unapologetic creativity guiding our way.
As of late, it's felt right to challenge these "What if" fears. This most recent challenge outcome rhymed with "Bucket"
I've been struggling with(-out) money and solid work this year, so moving from my current low-rent-room seemed like a pipe dream. My efforts to land a new set up kept bombing. Frustration and fear were building (picture an internal volcano here).
It's been recommended that I just walk anyway. Just leave where I'm living. Make a move and the Universe will take me seriously. Eek!
The "impressive list" of reasons why I hesitated included "Yeah, but i have 2 cats! Many boxes of things I'll need...eventually. Lots of clothes! You know, STUFF! Am I just supposed to be homeless? Give my cats away? Couch surf? Just go move in with my sister in Boston?" I've put the word out to my friends that I was looking for a place to go while my life continued to unravel itself into whatever it's going to look like, but I've not found any leads to date.
This process of letting my intuition steer the boat can be scary at times. The irony there is, when fear takes over, we can't hear our intuition! My inner knowing has gained strength over the last couple years, so i've become more comfortable "reading" that guidance. Doesn't mean I always listen (part of this whole free-will-human-condition I'm riddled with right now).
Sunday night, I looked deeply into my gut (not literally....you know what I mean). I asked her (my gut...she's female) - for the umpteenth time - if I need to just walk away. This was my last yes. So I finally said "Fuck it. I'm walking".
I meant it. Not in a frustrated, defeatist way. It was a fearless "Ok here we go...". Inside I felt a shift, and an immediate expansion....a lightening, if you will. I felt PEACE. The next day, I went about my business, knowing I'd have some temporary-cat-caretaker calls to make later that evening.
After work, I visited a friend in the hospital who suffered serious bodily injury, requiring months of time living in a rehab facility. After just 10 minutes of catching up on his situation, and him knowing i've set the wheels in motion to up and move from my current home, he tosses his apartment keys at me saying "I have to live in a nursing home for a few months, just live at my place with your cats!"
People...you can't make this up. This was LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER I SAID FUCK IT.
His apartment is only 1.5 miles from my work, across from an amazing vegan pizza joint, I can bring my cats, and I'm able to help him with home delivery things (food, laundry, books, etc.).
WINS ALL UPPIN HURRRR!
This isn't the only time where I've listened to my gut (guiding my actions to go against prevailing wisdom and suggestions) and had an AMAZING turn of events yield better results than anything my wildest dreams could come up with.
Let's stop kidding ourselves. Our cultures "design" is flawed, and in more ways than we can fathom. We gotta let our fearless creativity start redrawing this scene!
I'm being given a chance to help a friend, myself, my cats, and clear through "baggage" i've been dragging around with me (emotional and material).
We're co-creating a new world that will NOT resemble this crazy system we recognize today. I feel it in my fingernails.
If you KNOW something isn't right, but have an impressive list of "What if..."'s, take time in stillness and ask yourself for guidance. Your highest self. LISTEN to the answer packaged as a feeling, chance encounter, lyrics of a song on while you're thinking of the issue, whatever. Pay attention! We're being guided to a better way of being, which surely won't look like what we're used to now. Be open, flexible and have childlike curiosity. Lots of new adventures await!
I spent my whole life always looking for something that made sense. When I formulated my opinion about animals in captivity, it felt so "right". For the first time in my life of searching, I recognized a deep knowing: other animals are valuable, deserving freedom and support to live for their own reasons.
I dove into animal advocacy immediately after college, ultimately landing the perfect job any animal advocate could dream of: outreach coordinator for my local animal rights organization (Florida Voices for Animals). I was already thinking about ways to help animals - around the clock - so to be PAID to get involved full-time was sheer bliss!
After a year of working for this organization, researching all the different issues and ways to help, I was surprised to still feel the inner urge to explore something bigger. I had engaged in every form of legal advocacy: demo's, lobbying, tabling and leafleting, media outreach, ballot initiatives, delivering presentations - all of it. Though getting the word out about animals needing help felt right, none of these modalities felt like my niche - an emptiness lingered. I was devastated...back to square 1.
Right around this time, our worlds economic climate was at it's worst in my lifetime, so naturally FVA's employee fund dried up. It had been upwards of 8 years since I discovered my "path" as a voice for animals...what the hell do I do now? Going from fierce determination to a big fat question mark was scary, depressing and irritating. I began drawing unemployment and pumping out resumes left and right.
But so were 10% of all other Floridians at that time. My impressive resume lay under an impressive pile of impressive resumes.
I detached from all things "animal rights" (as far as activism was concerned), and figured I just needed to regroup. Clear the slate. I sought the guidance of a friend and former employer for her life coaching and intuitive services, Maria Bott. Her insights were priceless, all the way down to asking me who I am versus what I do. A question I highly recommend everyone ask themselves. My inability to answer it - on its face - was enough to quantify pursuing a deeper truth. Pivotal question!
I went on a trip a few months into my unemployment and wound up in the most depressed state I had ever been in, and for the first time I couldn't "snap out of it". Freaked me out! Normally the depression / awkward feelings would go away pretty soon, or I could go have a few cocktails and drown them. Not this time. It got funkier with each attempt to shake it.
Shortly after coming home from this trip, I came across Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose". SHAZAAM! After reading just a few pages, my woes melted away. Immediately upon learning about the human ego and our accumulation of emotional baggage (ie pain body), my dark heavy cloud lifted...someone let the air in the room! Brilliant. Fabulous. BLISSED to say the least. I couldn't peel myself from this book or his interviews online. THIS MADE SENSE! EUREKA! You know how I love stuff that makes sense. On the daily I was practicing being fully present, detaching from my ego, observing my emotions and thoughts - a full time job, this was! Twas the beginning of the beginning....
After a couple months of relentless failed attempts at applying for work, and not even having interviews, I reached out to a restaurant I worked at out of college. My gut burned at the thought of going back, but I felt pressure (from both inside and outside of my head) to do "something" rather than drain government resources. When I emailed my friends to say I was probably going back to waiting tables, Maria replied first thing saying "Ok, well, if you need a break....go for it."
Need a break?? From being unemployed??? A part of me perked up (my higher self) and a part of me shut up (my ego). It was just my ego who was drill-sergeanting me into doing "something" rather than drain government resources. My higher self knew my time was best spent healing from within, detaching from my identity as an "animal activist", so I could allow a more authentic self to emerge. My ego was scared and imposed a guilt-trip on me. We all know this leads to wise choices. (Not).
Maria affirmed what I intuitively knew (per my gut burn) that going back to the restaurant was a bad move. So I didn't, and stayed on unemployment into the new year, only applying for jobs that "felt" right.
Thanks to Maria and Tolle's guidance, my life began to flow with greater ease. My ego was losing control as my view of life expanded beyond fear-based limits. In February of the following year, I received a job offer from Vegan Outreach to finish up leafleting the campuses in southern California for the spring semester. In those 2 months, if it was a good fit, I could keep the job and move out there. And it was. So I did.
It was the best fitting shoe for the better part of 3 years. I grew beyond measure during my leafleting career. I owe so much of my evolution to the opportunities and encounters it provided, not to mention the overarching impact of connecting with hundreds of thousands of people about compassion.
What's significant here? Two things:
This was my first real step outside of the box. Beginning a relationship with my intuitive guidance and deeper "knowing". It's scary and uncertain at first, but the "knowing" gets clearer and stronger with time and practice. I've not mastered this skill yet but am being offered NUMEROUS chances to practice. It does improve :)
This is greatest truth i've ever learned: our intuition is HELLA smarter than our ego-logic-brain. The ego-logic-brain misinterprets events/people/things more times than not, our intuition does NOT.
So many of us are having our realities and comfort zones rattled these days. NOW is the time to ditch the fear based ego ideas and follow our intuition. The more we clean up our inner space and get still, the clearer our intuitive guidance becomes. **Ditch the fear!** - - most importantly. Fear based choices land us in a heap. We can all name at least 3 stories where this was true for us. Please feel encouraged to share a time when your intuition lead you down a great path, despite fear or pressure to conform! Share it here and with others! We need all the inspiration to grow that we can get.
For the love of love,
An east coast native, Nikki spent her college years and beyond as an activist for animals, the environment and social justice issues. Needing to make sense of and come to peace with everything along the way, she began her work on the spiritual level. When she realized that the conditions of our outer world are just reflecting the conditions of humanities inner world, her focus shifted to energy healing arts and yoga. Now a Reiki Master and Yoga Instructor living in San Rafael, California, she coaches clients and groups on vibration raising practices for self love and personal mastery - the recipe for global peace.
Services offered listed under HEALING SERVICES tab.