The (screaming) cat in the room

Magic. The only way to verbally capture the essence of life these days, it's just pure magic. Things are becoming so clear.

My most recent shift is realizing a deeply rooted life-long emotional misalignment: that i'm not loveable or valuable.

This is fundamentally untrue for all of us, but - somehow - it's imbedded in a lot of us from day one. Some might feel the world is untrustworthy and hostile, or that they have to scream and fight to get their way.  It's just more ego stories - which are NEVER logical - and ultimately doesn't matter what it says. It just wants to be seen.

Now that I recognize this has been a predominant force shaping my life experience, I can begin the healing (acknowledgment) and release (feeling) of it.

This core belief within me has determined how I interpret things people say/do (or don't say/do) . For instance, since I was little, my feelings would get hurt easily. I would usually take things personally. I would feel devalued, because I would view peoples behavior as confirming my deeply held beliefs that I'm not loveable or valuable.

But that's just been my ego's interpretation of reality. It's not true, and has not been why they acted the way they acted. They had their own reasons based on their own ego stories.

I finally get it.

One of my most amazing relationships that has been teaching me this is with my girl cat Sunshine (her majestic self pictured above).

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She's taught me about love in the most profound ways. We've been together for almost 10 years - by far the longest committed relationship I've ever had! Over the last few years she's become increasingly needy - to the point where I was feeling frustrated that I couldn't please her emotional needs despite my best efforts. One behavior is her incessant need to get behind me while I'm sitting down and meow like crazy. She'd claw up my back yelling at me. I'd try to pet her but, from behind me, she was tough to reach! And don't even think of picking her up. If I turned around to pet her, she'd go behind me again.

This has been her way of showing me that what's behind me needs to be realized, and my reaching back for superficial "pets" wouldn't cut it. What's behind us - metaphysically speaking - is our shadow side. Our "dark" heavy emotional areas that we try to shove down / ignore / gloss over. She's been trying to get me to REALLY look at what's back there. Acknowledge it. Not appease it with feel good, superficial "pet's". (Pictured above - while laying on my stomach reading, she actually sat on my back to school me lol.)

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Additionally, her willingness to receive affection from others is VERY limited - whether you're feline or human. Our boy cat - Rufus - can groom her but only for a few seconds, then bam - he's whacked on the head. She's had a rigid list of criteria for affection:

• Never ever pick her up (she's too independent for that mess and will shred anyone who tries)
• If you pet her, it's on her terms (and she'll bail if you start to get too comfortable with it)
• You can only use one hand to pet her at a time (limited affection allowed)
  
• Do NOT smoother - she'll be out in a hot second
• When you're completely incapable of giving 100% - like when studying / eating / talking on the phone - THAT is when she'll solicit for you limitless love (again - limited affection allowed)
  

These things have both made me crazy in the head and shaped my view of how to truly LOVE a "loved one". That I can't just dump my loving ways on those I love. If they don't like to be picked up, or pet with 2 hands, etc, then - out of love for THEM, not ME - I must honor this. Otherwise it's not love - it's my neediness and greed imposed on another.

Related to the not feeling loveable and valuable thing, this effects my being receptive (as Sunshine has so eloquently been demonstrating). Culturally we're conditioned to DO and GIVE constantly. But being still and receiving is a crucial part of being in balance. This is part of our feminine nature which - as we've seen - has been suppressed on a mostly-global scale (men and women need to embody both feminine and masculine energy to be whole). We're learning though - and no doubt the Sunshine's of the world are helping guide the way...head bops and screams along the way :)

We're constantly searching and doing and covering-up and escaping. That background buzz of discomfort is where the magic lies though! We're afraid of facing the pain. We think things keep "happening to us", when really they're happening FOR us. And that discomfort has gems to deliver - on the other side is the bliss that's our birthright! And is subsequently the only way to be free from the discomfort...we gotta go through it. Only when we're still and observing what's going on around us can we see where we have harshness in our mellow :)

Starting to slow down and observe our lives is priceless. Especially our relationships (whether they're covered in fur or not doesn't matter - they're the best mirrors actually!)

So observing these feelings as they come and observing the stories that accompany them is where the change happens. Feeling it - in the raw - will allow it to dissolve. Magic! That's all we gotta do. Depending on how deeply embedded it is in our psyche, it may take a few sessions of observing / releasing. I've done a few already and can't begin to describe the lightness I feel.

Living life free from baggage and burdens and defenses is where the juice is baby!

What's been screaming / meowing / barking at you?!?!?!

And the alchemy continues!

Meow <3!