I finally did it. I've been sitting on this issue for a while, (seemingly) locked in the land of no way out. But I did it...I let go of needing to see a clear plan (or even a foggy plan). I just made a move forward, for my own good....totally blind.
And it worked. Holy socks did it work.
I've needed to move from where I'm living for a while now, but have had an impressive list of "Yeah, but.." 's holding me back.
And by "list" I mean "story". Anything but impressive.
The last couple of years of my life's journey has been a fascinating melt down of sorts. Slowly but surely the infrastructure of my reality is crumbling. Part of this new paradigm deal. Something we're all feeling in one way or another, just may not identify it as a "paradigm shift". But I do. Cuz it is. And the shift has definitely hit the fan.
And fear has no place in it. If it's guiding our behavior, it'll be challenged.
Fear is a HUGE sculptor in our lives. Not fear of being hit by cars when running through traffic (a healthy fear....just don't run through traffic), but imagined fear of "What if...?" These are endless yet meaningless, and are great for manifesting the destiny we don't want.
Fear based choices will undoubtedly create suffering in one form or another. Which includes preventing us from living truly meaningful lives, to our highest potential, with our most liberated and unapologetic creativity guiding our way.
As of late, it's felt right to challenge these "What if" fears. This most recent challenge outcome rhymed with "Bucket"
I've been struggling with(-out) money and solid work this year, so moving from my current low-rent-room seemed like a pipe dream. My efforts to land a new set up kept bombing. Frustration and fear were building (picture an internal volcano here).
It's been recommended that I just walk anyway. Just leave where I'm living. Make a move and the Universe will take me seriously. Eek!
The "impressive list" of reasons why I hesitated included "Yeah, but i have 2 cats! Many boxes of things I'll need...eventually. Lots of clothes! You know, STUFF! Am I just supposed to be homeless? Give my cats away? Couch surf? Just go move in with my sister in Boston?" I've put the word out to my friends that I was looking for a place to go while my life continued to unravel itself into whatever it's going to look like, but I've not found any leads to date.
This process of letting my intuition steer the boat can be scary at times. The irony there is, when fear takes over, we can't hear our intuition! My inner knowing has gained strength over the last couple years, so i've become more comfortable "reading" that guidance. Doesn't mean I always listen (part of this whole free-will-human-condition I'm riddled with right now).
Sunday night, I looked deeply into my gut (not literally....you know what I mean). I asked her (my gut...she's female) - for the umpteenth time - if I need to just walk away. This was my last yes. So I finally said "Fuck it. I'm walking".
I meant it. Not in a frustrated, defeatist way. It was a fearless "Ok here we go...". Inside I felt a shift, and an immediate expansion....a lightening, if you will. I felt PEACE. The next day, I went about my business, knowing I'd have some temporary-cat-caretaker calls to make later that evening.
After work, I visited a friend in the hospital who suffered serious bodily injury, requiring months of time living in a rehab facility. After just 10 minutes of catching up on his situation, and him knowing i've set the wheels in motion to up and move from my current home, he tosses his apartment keys at me saying "I have to live in a nursing home for a few months, just live at my place with your cats!"
People...you can't make this up. This was LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER I SAID FUCK IT.
His apartment is only 1.5 miles from my work, across from an amazing vegan pizza joint, I can bring my cats, and I'm able to help him with home delivery things (food, laundry, books, etc.).
WINS ALL UPPIN HURRRR!
This isn't the only time where I've listened to my gut (guiding my actions to go against prevailing wisdom and suggestions) and had an AMAZING turn of events yield better results than anything my wildest dreams could come up with.
Let's stop kidding ourselves. Our cultures "design" is flawed, and in more ways than we can fathom. We gotta let our fearless creativity start redrawing this scene!
I'm being given a chance to help a friend, myself, my cats, and clear through "baggage" i've been dragging around with me (emotional and material).
We're co-creating a new world that will NOT resemble this crazy system we recognize today. I feel it in my fingernails.
If you KNOW something isn't right, but have an impressive list of "What if..."'s, take time in stillness and ask yourself for guidance. Your highest self. LISTEN to the answer packaged as a feeling, chance encounter, lyrics of a song on while you're thinking of the issue, whatever. Pay attention! We're being guided to a better way of being, which surely won't look like what we're used to now. Be open, flexible and have childlike curiosity. Lots of new adventures await!
12/11/2013 06:09:42 am
Woo hoo! I just had the revelation in the car before I saw you last night that the quality/condition/feeling I value most is my life is Freedom. What wonderful synchronicity! Love you and your untethered spirit.
12/11/2013 11:40:15 am
YES! All hail freedom. I've frequently reveled in my adult freedom, i felt captive as a kid. I'm forever grateful for adulthood!!! Takes good energy to attract good energy mama <3 Thanks for your support sweets!
That's awesome Nikki! So happy for you! It is FREAKIN' SCARY to let go of all those "what ifs," especially in a situation like yours. In my experience, they're necessary though - they have to build to a place of absolute disgust (or in some cases, sickness), and then bravery (and maybe a little insanity) kicks in. Me, I've learned to accept this process and (somewhat) make peace with my dawdling phases, knowing they won't last forever. But nothing feels as awesome as taking action. If you can learn to shorten or even eliminate that in-between phase, many kudos to you! You continue to inspire me babe, love ya :)
12/11/2013 11:46:18 am
YES GURL it's super scary. I've been creating spaces for things to happen so it doesn't come to this "leap" business, alas...I'm a renegade leaper. Def more for me to gain by being pushed to the edge. These little miracle moments are so huge for keeping my focus on life's infinite potential. Thanks for your love and support baby face <3
12/11/2013 08:27:15 am
That is so cool! Good for you!
12/11/2013 11:46:49 am
Thanks Frankie!!! Hi to your Mom for me :)
12/11/2013 11:54:54 am
Good on you girl !!
12/11/2013 12:02:41 pm
Thanks Baby J <3 !!!
12/12/2013 12:32:58 am
Nikki, I adore you! Those what if's so easily get in the way. I've learned that then when I finally do find the balls to say F--k it, things always work themselves out. 3 months after buying that condo in Fl I said F--k it and moved to MD. Got a tennant that I KNEW in the first showing of the place, who has been there 3 years now. Scary turned into so easy! I can feel a new shift in the works, so excited to see where it takes me next. :)
12/12/2013 12:34:28 am
And SO happy that things are working out for you. <3
12/12/2013 01:00:38 am
Adoration runs both ways love face! YAYAYA for your Fuckin' It's too!!! These blind turns get more exciting each time. Looks like my next big one is getting rid of EVERYTHING i own, kitchen stuff included. Gulp. Gonna sit on this one for a couple days first. But i may be in that "Only own 100 things" club sooner than i thought. YAY PURGE YAY! Love and miss you mama <3
12/12/2013 02:58:13 am
I said F-it to my job, house, pension, etc. to start a new life in Holland. It was scary as hell, but it has been better than I could have imagined. Stay strong, sister. Good things will come your way! If you ever make it out my way, you can stay with us.
12/12/2013 12:29:19 pm
That's right! Happened so quick too! When you know you know. But there's still the culturally induced backround buzz of fear based doubt. Even if my gut defies logic, i'm starting to still listen. LIFE JUST FLOWS when we get our brains out of the way....or at least have them work on behalf of our instincts :) And YES i'mma tour this beautiful planet sooner than later. Will HYU! Hi to Remmelt for me :) <3
12/12/2013 04:50:38 am
Loved this blog Nikki!! You are coming into your own and the Universe is clearly embracing you. My niece taught her Mom and me a new saying "Toss it in the Fuck-it Bucket" and that is what we need to do with things and situations that are no longer working in our lives. Thank you for being the voice of courage for so many of us. Love & Peace to you.
12/12/2013 01:13:27 pm
Thanks for the sweet words and encouragement Mary! I LOVE TOSS IT IN THE FUCK IT BUCKET! I've been murmuring that since i read your post :) Please send my grats to your niece, that phrase is a keeper! My next step is (yet again) PURGING my "stuff". Like almost all of it. GOIN' ROGUE UPPIN HERE! <3 you sister
12/12/2013 11:06:39 am
YEAH! Onward! lol I love you so much!! Thanks for the vote of confidence to following my (very non-comformist, not-readily-understood) gut! :D
12/12/2013 01:14:35 pm
Yayay hi Illiana!!! And YAYAYA FOR NON CONFORMITY! Those activities are the most satisfying to deny. LOVE GUT POWER! And LOVE YOU TOO SWEETS!
Love it! My biggest example to myself of this was the desicion to do the bus, let go of so many material things, and live my dream. At that point, the universe just opened up, bringing all the energy needed to swiftly send us down the path of bus ownership. We started having amazing conversations about our plans with even the most unlikely people. There have been challenges along the path since then of course, but now a year from the initiating discision, I wouldnt have it any other way. Great blog Nikki, love your style. Stoked to read more ♡
12/16/2013 04:30:46 pm
ROBYN! I love and adore you and your story. It ranks high on my list of inspirational events. You're showin' how it's done!! There's loads of more steps for me to take, but this last leap set the stage for some sparky adventures going forward :) LOVIN' this trip! Thanks for your support sweet one <3
12/19/2013 10:21:14 am
Inspiring! Hopeful! ... carry on ...
12/19/2013 02:40:06 pm
Thank you!!! Will do :)
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An east coast native, Nikki spent her college years and beyond as an activist for animals, the environment and social justice issues. Needing to make sense of and come to peace with everything along the way, she began her work on the spiritual level. When she realized that the conditions of our outer world are just reflecting the conditions of humanities inner world, her focus shifted to energy healing arts and yoga. Now a Reiki Master, yoga instructor, author and speaker living in Miami, Florida she hosts discussions and teaches on the importance of living a heart-led life, inspiring steps for self-love and personal mastery: the recipe for global peace.
Services offered listed under HEALING SERVICES tab.