The compassion trap

**Written in December 2013 and abandoned in the archives!**

This spiritual journey I'm on - largely inspired by interests in helping the world be more compassionate - has been quite the ride.

Information I've been exposed to about the human ego / pain-body / collective consciousness has resonated with me deeply. Identifying the egoic shenanigans within myself, it felt necessary to subdue these reactions and thoughts immediately! Contributing to the insanity just hasn't been an option. I know better! Must....deny....the ego. Can't let it play out! Must send only love to everyone, rapid-fire-like, and get crackin' on this heal-the-global-suffering thing!!

I would try to look beyond other peoples egos, knowing that any undesirable behavior of theirs was just part of the human condition, that they're all beautiful amazing souls like everyone else. Mostly I would feel wicked uncomfortable around their egoic shenanigans, not know what to say, often staring like Rain Man - speechless - and try to only feel compassion for them.

Who the hell signed me up for this??? Tough stuff. And impossible.

So tough that, among many other factors, depression and frustration had been building like a volcano. This spiritual journey deal became more trouble then it was worth. I could clearly see - and explain to others - what was going on with the human condition (in myself and others), yet I was powerless to stop it from happening. No amount of meditation, energy healing and breath work could put me in the "flow of unconditional love" that I know is "truth". WTH?

Le sigh. Le suck.

You know how sometimes it takes 2, 3, 4...or 57 times to hear something before it "clicks"? Well, I lost count of how many times the following minor detail had been mentioned: EMBRACE THE FLIPPIN' MOMENT FOR WHATEVER IT IS - PERIOD. This includes whatever I'm feeling....cuz it's real...and happening! Denying what I was feeling was attempting to create a false world. Wanting to be ego-free when I wasn't. I was resisting what is! So it persists. Oldest ego trick in the book...and I bought it. Lots of it. Higher consciousness 101 hello! Rookie mistake.

Old egoic patterns and symptoms of being disconnected from my true self and others evaporate with embracing what is, loving myself and the present moment. Not from subduing, resisting and fighting! Wild how I've said these words numerous times yet never applied it to my real-time ego stuff.

Whew.

Trying to stop our emotions is disastrous. And just as insane as trying to stop the rain from falling. Always behaving in ways that are loving and compassionate - when that's not what we're really feeling inside - is a lie. Living a lie creates conflicts and challenges. Can you imagine what my life's been lookin' like as I tried living this way? BAHAHAHHA. Yeah....a hot mess.

This has lifted IMMEASURABLE POUNDS OF DENSE ENERGY off my shoulders and heart. Owning what I'm feeling is part of honoring me as I am, this whole self-love thing. No, this doesn't mean we should be volatile or disrespectful or botardish or apathetic - I doubt I'd respond in any of those ways. Rather, speaking my truth, honoring my feelings, interests, time and energy as top priority. Anything less than this is a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. If we're dishonoring ourselves, we won't be honored by life, and are undoubtedly creating chaos in our wake. I had spent most of my adult life putting my own interests last, keeping quiet just to maintain peace and order, over extending my time and energy to help others, and maintain jobs and relationships that aren't honoring or respecting me.

My greatest contribution to this heal-the-global-suffering thing (like everyone else's) is to honor and love myself first. All efforts after that are real and uplifting for others. I'll have real love to give cuz my cup will overfloweth! We'll automatically feel love and compassion for others when we feel this for ourselves first.

I can't tell you how excited I am that I don't need to put myself in challenging situations until I "feel love / compassion" for everyone. I CAN BOUNCE! OMG!

That's so hot.

There's an abundance of amazing opportunities out there available if I allow them into my life. When we're doing one thing, we're not doing another. If we give our time and attention to a job / friend / event that ISN'T fabulous and uplifting and loving, then we're blocking those that WILL be fabulous and uplifting and loving! So relieved to finally get this. It's felt amazing to speak and act on my own behalf, despite what others might think, say or do. That's their business not mine! I AM MY BUSINESS. My self love is growing beyond any level I've ever felt <3

Ok, so thanks for reading my latest outburst. WEEEEEEEEEE LIFE ADVENTURES YAY!

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